laritda

Yawn.... It~s been over a week since I have not posted anything. I feel that I need to, and I really want to, but I feel tired and just want to waste my time in other online communities (*caham* Facebook), or curl into a ball and sleep. I do not feel the creative ambition kicking in lately, and I gotta keep writing and working on my blog to get better and better and better and better... I feel tired and a bit discouraged.

I hope I am not getting the artistic flu- that keeps artists from accomplishing their goals.

For once I didn't feel ugly. Woke up, put some nice clothes on, got my hair done, ate all the cake and candy I wanted without even considering regretting every single bite before puking. Today I didn't feel ugly.

I don't know what is worse. Seeing happy pictures of high school mates having the time of their lives in college, or realizing that you never really had friends and were, in a way, a loner? I friended all the kids I was jealous of, the cool kids, perfect-GPA kids, happy kids... Kids I could never be and envied them for having such a "best four years of your life"-high school bullshit motto- that it hurts me to realize how depressing my life was. They said that life gets better after high school-implying it to the kids that could no longer take another day in that hell hole- and mine did. However, the memories and Facebook posts and happy pictures of them are just a slap across the face to remind me my dooming misery. The reason I friended them on Facebook is so I can advertise my writing and artwork. My old, present and future reality. And try to prove myself that I'm no longer intimidated by their "awesomeness". I'm no longer the loner, but the blooming brilliant artist.


Only thing that I don't understand is why am I still afraid? Why? They moved on.with their happy stereotypical teenage lives... So what's my problem? Why do I still see myself below them? Ugly, lonely, stupid, fat, weird, loser, untalented... What is my problem!? Why can't I see my true potential? They are just human beings, and so am I. Happy or sad. Popular or loner. Cool or loser. Skinny or fat. Smartass or dumbass. All revolting cliche labels that come back in my head to hunt my inner being....

Honey Honey
I wrote you a poem
On a piece of paper, but
The wind blew it by mistake.
Honey Honey
I wrote you a poem in the
Sand, but the sea washed it away.
Honey Honey
I wrote you a poem in
My heart and
There it was meant to stay.

All the memories are dull and gray
It is there where I was born and raised ashore.
There, I learned to swim, to read and speak
There, I learned to love, to cry and scream
There is where I buried my heart.
But here are the opportunities,
The money, the achievements
Here I grew older
Here
My heritage began to fade away.
It's been a long time since I've been to
The place where I used to call home.
My true home is myriads of stars away
But it never felt so close to me until
I left.